and i believed..

i do recall the last night i saw him.
when he came to me and asked me what was wrong.
how could i tell him i loved him yet i hated him at the same time?
how could i not look into his eyes and tell him what he did to me was worse than what he DID not do to me?
the fact that he was hardly ever there.
when i needed his guidance,his love,his reassurance....
only HE could give those to me.
when he PROMISED me he would be there all of my life,
that he loved me more than his own life..
how he said he'd never leave me or let me down.
now he's gone forever,irreplaceable,and i'm alone.
i loved him so much but i didn't tell him so.
all the broken promises,the lies,the hurt of him not being there...
all of it.
but i still love my father.

and i believed.

i gave my everything to him,
more than i should ever give to any guy on this earth.
especially in the short amount of time i spent with him.
he promised me everything i wanted...
he promised me a ring,
a baby,his heart,his soul,his life...
HIS EVERYTHING.
and he was lying to me all the time.
i come to find he was not loving me the way he said.
he lied to my face,shattered my heart,and tore apart my soul.
my mind shut down,i gave up all my happiness,
i gave up on the one person who PROMISED she'd always be there.
all for HIM.
for all that he promised me.
and i still love my first love.

and i BELIEVED.

i let these people stare at me,
trying to figure out my illness,
they try to fix me and they know it's my own fault.
these people pass me by and they wonder why i never cry.
especially for all the pain i've endured,
the people i love most i have lost and hurt,
all i can do is suffer alone to wallow in my pity.
i never tell anyone for fear of being hurt again.
i can never give my trust away again,
i can never believe the lies and the false promises.
i will never see my love's ring on my finger.
i will never be walked down the aisle by my father..
and now..she will never be my maid of honor..
i thought our friendship would never end.
it would withstand a million ugly things.
go on forever....not anymore.
all this pain and torment,broken promises,false hopes,scattered wishes shattered heart..
lost tears....
i had it all.

and i believed.

a friend or a stranger might not care.
but a best friend or sister forgives...
the distance the silence is tearing me apart.
but no matter what know that i will always keep you in my heart.

i need you..i need you..
lifes not the same without you
i want to..i want to..
say the speech when that day comes..


ohh...
do you stll have the poem i wrote to you????
read it....over n over again....cause...
i still believe.......

really,now....
so you have come to the conclusion of requesting me.
that is a surprise.

well i know you are still mad,so i won't provoke you.
i'm glad,however,that you read my little story and figured you were a part of it.
yess.
i DO want you to give that speech.
but!
i CANNOT remember any poem you wrote to me.
sorrrrrryy.

OMG..
i forgot what i name it..but im sure i gave it to u..
dude u used to carry it in your binder...
damn i forgot what i named it..
i have to think....
u suck..cant believe you dnt have it..
thats sadd..

i lost alot of stuff when i moved to idaho.
maybe its in my paper documents.
that lady we lived with stole alot from me.
im sorry....
that was years ago!!
you expect me to remember?
what binder was it in?
hmmmm.....
im sorry!

oh well