no need for t.v. dinners

now i know how he must feel.
but i know he CAN'T feel.so he doesn't really feel anything.
in fact,he's heartless.
he's made of stone and i fell in love with it.
bad mistake.
when i know i'm not feeling the real vibe,i will let go.and fast.
i'm realizing now how he can do it.
how he can't feel.
because i find myself feeling numb all the time now.
when he let me go, i didn't cry.
but when someone pisses me off in a major way,i HELLA cry.
but i let HER win.
i feel like i'm in a battle with those two and i keep getting sucker-punched.
why can't i grow a backbone?
i am left to fight and yet i end up with more and more scars.
deeper ones each time.
and they hurt more than physical ones do.
emotional scars hurt soo much more.
each time i cry my body tenses up more.
when i realize i'm all alone sometime,and i have noone to talk to....
i sit there and i think about my last lover and my horrid mother.
i hate them both but yet i love them soo much.
and i wish they would CARE.
why can't they see the pain they put me through?
i've learned the best way to deal with the pain is to get used to it and stop feeling it altogether......
because sometimes.....
i feel like i don't know who i really am anymore and i start to wonder if i am still alive.
it feels like i'm not in my body.
it feels strange,like i'm watching myself do and say stupid things.
it feels like i'm wathcing a movie.
and i'm the star of the show.

You have answers... but you cant use them so far... Just like me... in a bit diffretn case... I guess all we both can do... Is to keep trying... Somewhere and somehow is way out...

yeah??
tell me.
how is yours different???
tell ME!

Ohhhhhhhh... why every girl is so curious? ... hehe... Guys are not so easy to open up ... you know... and... ummm... I dont knwo you too well... yet ... even when you seem very trustworthed .... but.... Cant you jsut be satisfied I feel better now ... I dont suffer so much.. like I used to ... Maybe its truth that complite truth would save me.. but... its not up to me ... I can send my questions into emptiness and silence cos that girl that hurt my feelings will not answer ... She got rid of me... closed all the doors... and even I got confusing warning to not to try to contact with her or any member of her familly... Its damm complicated... and its damm unable to be solved out... I just stuck... slowly trying to make me as much free as I can be... putting it into past and my memory... ... Its all I can tell you so far Desire

well i know from experience it IS very hard for guys to open up.
only a small amount of them will.
i have grown to have patience with this after the last butt-hole i was dating.
haha.....

thanks for telling me.
it must have exploded a blood vessel for you to tell me that.
i'm sorry for the girl.
she obviously is missing out on ALOT.
sadd!!!

Well... She dont miss me... I erase faith in her from my heart today... idk... I think now its just memory left after *her*... yeah..... its just the way it is ... sadd... but fading... Yup.. Its too late to apologize... in both ways I guess